It doesn’t add up

Alarming news about the teenage girl running off with the 30-year-old teacher. Gah, what was she thinking of? What was he thinking of? I hope she gets home safely, and as soon as possible. And I have every sympathy for her poor mother and her family.

Mind you, it made me smile wrly when he turned out to be a maths teacher. Maths was my absolutely worst subject at school, and I only passed my O Level after two years of coaching. I just didn’t get it. The idea of running off with someone who might nag me about the appalling quality of my homework …. well, it would be more the stuff of nightmares than an elicit honeymoon.

Mind you, someone did eventually run off with the only male teacher at my all-girls school, despite the fact that he was (I’m sorry) dramatically unattractive. Think greasy-haired, bearded Open University lecturer in a fair isle pullover smoking a pipe. And he taught physics. My second worst subject.

I think some of these male teachers just exploit a teenage girl’s desire to run off with someone, anyone, who is a) male and b) not a parent, no matter what they look like or what sort of creep they must be. For what kind of 30-year-old man can really be interested in a teenager? Not a very nice one, is about the mildest way I can say it. At best, it must be exploitative – what? Is he seriously interested in her mind? – at worst, just plain paedo-pervy. Yuck. I’m sorry, maybe it’s the greatest love story never told. But the chances are, it isn’t.

Even at university, someone ran off with my history professor, which was a bit unfortunate as no one else knew as much about 15th century Holland and the course had to be ditched. The professor had also been supervising the girl’s coursework, and, surprise surprise, she got a First. I think there was more fuss about that than about his abandoned wife and children.

Of course, my thoughts always turn to Child One and Child Two – would they ever be tempted by the blandishments of a teacher? Child Two is at a girls’ school, which cuts down the risk, Child One is at a new school and hardly knows anyone well enough to run off with them. And, more to the point, I trust them both to let out the appropriate shudder and cry of ‘yuck’ at the very idea of an old man of 30 approaching them.

Cameron Diaz playing the archetypal Bad Teacher - too cool for school


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