Words women use

As you know, I am an old hand at the Battle of the Sexes. If they were giving out medals for those who have entered this particular field of combat and emerged, bloodied but unbowed, I would have the Distinguished Service Order several times by now. Sometimes, as part of my continued effort to understand the enemy, ahem, work with the other side, I sneak behind their lines and bring back anything that might be useful to the rest of us ladies fighting the good fight. On my last mission, I came across this dog-eared scrap of paper, handed to me by my dear friend E, who risked her life finding it. It turns out our menfolk have actually been listening to us and trying to develop a rough translation guide! Aren’t they adorable? Now read on:

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘nothing’ usually end in ‘fine’.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of ‘nothing’.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you! Do not question, or faint. Just say ‘you’re welcome’. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Aren’t they just so sweet, the dears? I would just like to add, for any man who hasn’t quite got it yet, that if you provoke a woman into saying ‘fine’ often enough, she will probably divorce you. I mean, der!

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