The only way is up

I am indebted to my big brother for the news that companies have things called ‘escalation departments’. These are places where you can go when you don’t feel your enquiry or complaint is being handled properly.

Does anyone ever feel their complaint is being handled in the right way? I know from my experience with Virgin Media that making any complaint to them involves taking several deep breaths, setting the morning aside, and attempting to convince someone in an echoing shed half a world away that yes, I have tried switching everything off and then switching on again.

The last time I completely lost it with Virgin, I decided to hit them where it hurts and stop paying Richard Branson around £50 a month to annoy me. I was then put through to the ‘termination department.’ Before I knew it, my payments had been trimmed down and I had been soothed away from homicidal rage to mere irritation with Richard B and all his works.

But now that I know there’s an escalation department, I’m always going to ask for it, with Virgin and every other company I deal with. Why not? Conflicts are always said to be ‘escalating’ on the news. Why shouldn’t my complaints escalate, too, all the way up to the top? And if the escalator doesn’t work, then I’m blimmin well taking the lift.

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